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desperately seeking

6/18/2020

Sometimes people will ask me what things they should be looking for in a potential marriage partner. Unfortunately, most people believe they should look for common interests or physical attraction as an indicator of compatibility. Here are the things I believe to be important to look for in a partner.

Integrity - do they do what they say they will do? This can be with big things or with the little things. Sometimes it's the little things that make the big difference in developing trust.
Communication skills - look for someone who can tell you what is going on for them on the inside as well as what they intend to do. Our communication skills are only as good as our self awareness.
Ability to learn or take influence - it is so important that a partner is willing to learn and take influence from others because we don't always know everything and we need to be able to grow and change as life does.
Ability to problem solve with you - this is probably my biggest thing I invite people to look for in a potential partner. The whole rest of your life you will be figuring out how to fix the problems that life throws at you, so please look for someone who partners with you in this. Not someone who wants you to fix everything or that you want them to fix everything, but partnering in how to do things.
Flexibility - because of so many changes happening in life, the ability to be flexible is a great quality to look for.
Willingness to sacrifice - this is probably my second most important quality that I would want people to look for. Sacrifice brings closeness into the relationship. Be careful not to take it too far, but a healthy level of sacrifice is essential to keeping long lasting love as the foundation of the relationship.

Is there something you feel I left out or forgot to mention? Let me know in the comments.

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Waiting

6/10/2020

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Something I have been hearing lots of stories about lately has been the experience of getting into a relationship when you aren't actually ready to see it through to the end. Let me explain.
I have seen people who are not emotionally, mentally, spiritually or financially ready to get married. But they REALLY want to get married and/or date someone because, gosh darn it, it feels good to be wanted (and often people believe that someone wanting them tells them more about their value than their own life does). So they start dating someone, or continue to date someone who is in a place to move forward in a relationship (or at least say they are ready).
The one not ready will often say, I'm not ready to date or be in a serious relationship. They know they have stuff to work on to be a stable person for a healthy relationship. The problem is that they stay emotionally and physically in the relationship.
This looks like continuing to text them even though you aren't in person dating. It looks like continuing to date just brushing it off as "just friends." It looks like continuing to engage in physical intimacies (kissing, making out, sex) with someone all the while saying, "I told you I'm not looking for serious dating." The actions do not align with what their words are saying.
So if you are the person on the receiving end of this from someone you are attempting to date, please take the person at their word. They aren't ready and you need to stop engaging in the relationship with them hoping that they will change their mind. Very often it is not about you, and in fact it really is about them. Respect yourself and them enough to stop interacting until they are ready.
If you are the the person doing this to someone, please respect those whom you might date enough to actually step back the relationship. The time and energy that you would put into "not dating" someone is better used to get therapy and deal with whatever prevents you from healthy dating.
I know on both sides of this, people fear losing a relationship, which is what keeps them going in this unhealthy pattern. The ironic thing is that staying in this pattern can actually implode an otherwise good dating match. Do yourself and others a favor by waiting until you are ready to actually be in a relationship so you can engage in a healthy way. You may be surprised how easy it is to move a relationship to exclusive dating and then to marriage when you do.

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Stillness

6/1/2020

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Emotion regulation in relationships is really the key to healthy connection. We have all sorts of old experiences that pop up for us when we interact with others. We need to become aware of what is happening in the present vs what happened in the past. I took the picture for this post a few weeks ago to remind me of the stillness and calmness that I am striving for. What things do you use to help you stay present in relationships?

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When good people become jerks

6/1/2020

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I don't think that people get into relationships intending to hurt others. I also don't think that most people are jerks as a general personality trait. And there are far fewer narcissists than people believe their ex to be. :) What I do believe is that good people, in trying to be "nice" or avoid conflict, absolutely become a jerk. Here are a few examples of how it works.

Say you have been on a few dates with someone. Things are ok, but you feel like there is just something missing. What I hear most people report happens is that they or the other person will just stop texting/calling and then avoid them the next time they may come into contact with them. That is when you become a jerk. Cutting off contact without explanation, ie ghosting, is just plain rude. While you don't owe them an explanation of why you don't want to continue dating, you do need to treat people with respect and care. What I would like to see people say is, "Thanks for spending time with me, it doesn't seem to be working for me. My hope is that we can stay friends/acquaintances and say hi when we see each other again."
The stakes get a little more complicated when you have been exclusively dating someone. There are many more opportunities to be a jerk. If you don't feel like you want to continue dating someone, say it. Don't waffle and be wishy-washy. I see this happen when someone doesn't want to date someone but they also don't want to not have someone close or significant in their life. Where you become the jerk is when you know you don't want to date them but you continue to be emotionally or physically in the relationship. It is rude to continue to string someone along in a relationship you are not actually wanting. Can I tell you how many times I've seen divorces come from people who married just because they didn't know how to break up with someone? You might be surprised how often that happens.
In the same arena of exclusive or long term dating and even in marriage, you become a jerk when you go along to get along. Counter-intuitive I know, but its a real thing. When you go along to get along, the other person doesn't actually know your feelings on that situation or topic. There is no way to create connection when you don't share your actual feelings and thoughts. Additionally, very often you will become resentful of the other person because you will feel like you are always compromising or sacrificing. Then one of two things will happen, you will either say one thing to make the person "happy" in the moment and then do whatever you want which will cause them to lose trust in you, or you will get really angry at them in random moments that seem out of proportion to what the situation is because of all the pent up resentment. Either option creates fractures in the relationship that will need to be healed.

So what I'm asking you all to do, is in your desires to not be a jerk and to be a good person, make sure you are communicating in a clear and compassionate way the needs, thoughts, opinions, and feelings you have. This creates the pathway for good secure connection in all types of relationships.

Photo by Vera Arsic from Pexels

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desperately seeking

Waiting

Stillness

When good people become jerks

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