When good people become jerks

I don't think that people get into relationships intending to hurt others. I also don't think that most people are jerks as a general personality trait. And there are far fewer narcissists than people believe their ex to be. :)  What I do believe is that good people, in trying to be "nice" or avoid conflict, absolutely become a jerk. Here are a few examples of how it works.

1. Say you have been on a few dates with someone. Things are ok, but you feel like there is just something missing. What I hear most people report happens is that they or the other person will just stop texting/calling and then avoid them the next time they may come into contact with them. That is when you become a jerk. Cutting off contact without explanation, ie ghosting, is just plain rude. While you don't owe them an explanation of why you don't want to continue dating, you do need to treat people with respect and care. What I would like to see people say is, "Thanks for spending time with me, it doesn't seem to be working for me.  My hope is that we can stay friends/acquaintances and say hi when we see each other again."
2. The stakes get a little more complicated when you have been exclusively dating someone. There are many more opportunities to be a jerk. If you don't feel like you want to continue dating someone, say it. Don't waffle and be wishy-washy. I see this happen when someone doesn't want to date someone but they also don't want to not have someone close or significant in their life. Where you become the jerk is when you know you don't want to date them but you continue to be emotionally or physically in the relationship. It is rude to continue to string someone along in a relationship you are not actually wanting. Can I tell you how many times I've seen divorces come from people who married just because they didn't know how to break up with someone? You might be surprised how often that happens. 
3. In the same arena of exclusive or long term dating and even in marriage, you become a jerk when you go along to get along. Counter-intuitive I know, but its a real thing. When you go along to get along, the other person doesn't actually know your feelings on that situation or topic. There is no way to create connection when you don't share your actual feelings and thoughts. Additionally, very often you will become resentful of the other person because you will feel like you are always compromising or sacrificing. Then one of two things will happen, you will either say one thing to make the person "happy" in the moment and then do whatever you want which will cause them to lose trust in you, or you will get really angry at them in random moments that seem out of proportion to what the situation is because of all the pent up resentment. Either option creates fractures in the relationship that will need to be healed. 

So what I'm asking you all to do, is in your desires to not be a jerk and to be a good person, make sure you are communicating in a clear and compassionate way the needs, thoughts, opinions, and feelings you have. This creates the pathway for good secure connection in all types of relationships.  

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