RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD
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New research

8/11/2020

1 Comment

 
A really unique study came out a few weeks ago. It is a longitudinal study (meaning data gathered for a long time) that used machine learning to look for predictors of relationship quality. One of the most interesting things about what the authors state they found was that how we view our relationship is more predictive of relationship quality than anything. In addition, there were no individual factors that were predictive of positive or negative impact.

What this means is that how we view the relationship is more important than how much we have in common. It is a common dating myth that we should be looking for someone who has shared interests, like "being active" or "likes the outdoors" (I swear if I read that one more time on a dating profile). I will tell you straight up, your interests will change when you get married and especially when you have kids. If you base a relationship only on "we like to have fun together", you are in for a rough road in the long term.

So what was the best predictor? Your individual way of being in a relationship. Specifically in this study they list: life satisfaction, negative affect, depression, attachment avoidance, and attachment anxiety. 
Additionally, the top relationship-specific predictors of relationship quality were perceived-partner commitment, appreciation, sexual satisfaction, perceived-partner satisfaction, and conflict.

If you want to check out the abstract of the study, you can find it here. 

https://www.pnas.org/content/117/32/19061

I'm going to take a few blog posts in the next few days to pull apart each of these factors and write more about what that might look like in real life.

What other questions do you have about this new research? Or dating and relationships in general?
1 Comment

desperately seeking

6/18/2020

2 Comments

 
Sometimes people will ask me what things they should be looking for in a potential marriage partner. Unfortunately, most people believe they should look for common interests or physical attraction as an indicator of compatibility. Here are the things I believe to be important to look for in a partner.
  1. Integrity - do they do what they say they will do? This can be with big things or with the little things. Sometimes it's the little things that make the big difference in developing trust.
  2. Communication skills - look for someone who can tell you what is going on for them on the inside as well as what they intend to do. Our communication skills are only as good as our self awareness.
  3. Ability to learn or take influence - it is so important that a partner is willing to learn and take influence from others because we don't always know everything and we need to be able to grow and change as life does.
  4. Ability to problem solve with you - this is probably my biggest thing I invite people to look for in a potential partner. The whole rest of your life you will be figuring out how to fix the problems that life throws at you, so please look for someone who partners with you in this. Not someone who wants you to fix everything or that you want them to fix everything, but partnering in how to do things. 
  5. Flexibility - because of so many changes happening in life, the ability to be flexible is a great quality to look for. 
  6. Willingness to sacrifice - this is probably my second most important quality that I would want people to look for. Sacrifice brings closeness into the relationship. Be careful not to take it too far, but a healthy level of sacrifice is essential to keeping long lasting love as the foundation of the relationship.

Is there something you feel I left out or forgot to mention? Let me know in the comments.
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    Author

    Jen has many years of working with singles after receiving training as an MFT and seeing that many married couples problems start while they are dating. She wants to change marriage by helping singles date better so they marry better.

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