Category: Dating

New research

8/11/2020

A really unique study came out a few weeks ago. It is a longitudinal study (meaning data gathered for a long time) that used machine learning to look for predictors of relationship quality. One of the most interesting things about what the authors state they found was that how we view our relationship is more predictive of relationship quality than anything. In addition, there were no individual factors that were predictive of positive or negative impact.

What this means is that how we view the relationship is more important than how much we have in common. It is a common dating myth that we should be looking for someone who has shared interests, like "being active" or "likes the outdoors" (I swear if I read that one more time on a dating profile). I will tell you straight up, your interests will change when you get married and especially when you have kids. If you base a relationship only on "we like to have fun together", you are in for a rough road in the long term.

So what was the best predictor? Your individual way of being in a relationship. Specifically in this study they list: life satisfaction, negative affect, depression, attachment avoidance, and attachment anxiety.
Additionally, the top relationship-specific predictors of relationship quality were perceived-partner commitment, appreciation, sexual satisfaction, perceived-partner satisfaction, and conflict.

If you want to check out the abstract of the study, you can find it here.
https://www.pnas.org/content/117/32/19061

I'm going to take a few blog posts in the next few days to pull apart each of these factors and write more about what that might look like in real life.

What other questions do you have about this new research? Or dating and relationships in general?

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desperately seeking

6/18/2020

2 Comments

Sometimes people will ask me what things they should be looking for in a potential marriage partner. Unfortunately, most people believe they should look for common interests or physical attraction as an indicator of compatibility. Here are the things I believe to be important to look for in a partner.

Integrity - do they do what they say they will do? This can be with big things or with the little things. Sometimes it's the little things that make the big difference in developing trust.
Communication skills - look for someone who can tell you what is going on for them on the inside as well as what they intend to do. Our communication skills are only as good as our self awareness.
Ability to learn or take influence - it is so important that a partner is willing to learn and take influence from others because we don't always know everything and we need to be able to grow and change as life does.
Ability to problem solve with you - this is probably my biggest thing I invite people to look for in a potential partner. The whole rest of your life you will be figuring out how to fix the problems that life throws at you, so please look for someone who partners with you in this. Not someone who wants you to fix everything or that you want them to fix everything, but partnering in how to do things.
Flexibility - because of so many changes happening in life, the ability to be flexible is a great quality to look for.
Willingness to sacrifice - this is probably my second most important quality that I would want people to look for. Sacrifice brings closeness into the relationship. Be careful not to take it too far, but a healthy level of sacrifice is essential to keeping long lasting love as the foundation of the relationship.

Is there something you feel I left out or forgot to mention? Let me know in the comments.

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When good people become jerks

6/1/2020

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I don't think that people get into relationships intending to hurt others. I also don't think that most people are jerks as a general personality trait. And there are far fewer narcissists than people believe their ex to be. :) What I do believe is that good people, in trying to be "nice" or avoid conflict, absolutely become a jerk. Here are a few examples of how it works.

Say you have been on a few dates with someone. Things are ok, but you feel like there is just something missing. What I hear most people report happens is that they or the other person will just stop texting/calling and then avoid them the next time they may come into contact with them. That is when you become a jerk. Cutting off contact without explanation, ie ghosting, is just plain rude. While you don't owe them an explanation of why you don't want to continue dating, you do need to treat people with respect and care. What I would like to see people say is, "Thanks for spending time with me, it doesn't seem to be working for me. My hope is that we can stay friends/acquaintances and say hi when we see each other again."
The stakes get a little more complicated when you have been exclusively dating someone. There are many more opportunities to be a jerk. If you don't feel like you want to continue dating someone, say it. Don't waffle and be wishy-washy. I see this happen when someone doesn't want to date someone but they also don't want to not have someone close or significant in their life. Where you become the jerk is when you know you don't want to date them but you continue to be emotionally or physically in the relationship. It is rude to continue to string someone along in a relationship you are not actually wanting. Can I tell you how many times I've seen divorces come from people who married just because they didn't know how to break up with someone? You might be surprised how often that happens.
In the same arena of exclusive or long term dating and even in marriage, you become a jerk when you go along to get along. Counter-intuitive I know, but its a real thing. When you go along to get along, the other person doesn't actually know your feelings on that situation or topic. There is no way to create connection when you don't share your actual feelings and thoughts. Additionally, very often you will become resentful of the other person because you will feel like you are always compromising or sacrificing. Then one of two things will happen, you will either say one thing to make the person "happy" in the moment and then do whatever you want which will cause them to lose trust in you, or you will get really angry at them in random moments that seem out of proportion to what the situation is because of all the pent up resentment. Either option creates fractures in the relationship that will need to be healed.

So what I'm asking you all to do, is in your desires to not be a jerk and to be a good person, make sure you are communicating in a clear and compassionate way the needs, thoughts, opinions, and feelings you have. This creates the pathway for good secure connection in all types of relationships.

Photo by Vera Arsic from Pexels

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Dating Apps

5/29/2020

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The thing I'm hearing about the most lately is dating apps. So many people are using them because the pandemic has stopped general socializing. I hear about how horrible the apps are with so many people who just stop responding, the dates they go on are awful or that all they get are scammers. Here are some suggestions:

1. When you match with someone, have something ready to start a conversation. Just like you wouldn't go up to a stranger and just say HI and stare at them waiting for them to ask you questions, don't expect the other person to carry the conversation. Conversation starters could be about an activity described in their profile that sparked something for you, or even just what attracted you in their picture. Be specific. "I liked the sparkle in your eyes." or "You seem to really like adventure activities, what was your latest one?" or even just, "Man, this coronavirus stuff is really putting a damper on my social life, want to go do something fun in an appropriately socially distanced way?"

2. Moderate your expectations. You may not hit it off right away. I have spoken with many people who believe they will "just know" when they have met their person. Sometimes a connection takes a bit to develop. Give it a chance to develop. Also remember that you shouldn't be thinking about marriage from the first meeting.

3. Scammers are prevalent in all the dating apps. Ask for in person meetings in a public place. Don't give anyone money. Be wary if someone says they are in love with you quickly.

I'll have another post about dating apps in the future, so be on the look-out!

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What do you want to learn about?

5/29/2020

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What questions or problems would you want to learn about? What have you seen others struggle with or what have you struggled with? Is there something you have always wanted to know but didn't know who to ask?

Feel free to leave your questions in the comments. It may just end up as a blog post! If you are interested in having me give you feedback on your dating struggles and are willing to have it be a blog post, go to the contact page and send me a message.

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New research

desperately seeking

When good people become jerks

Dating Apps

What do you want to learn about?

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